Updated: Feb 6
Five months ago, I made a major decision that could change my life. Although I had been contemplating on it for a couple of years, it didn’t really prepare me for the consequences I would face once I was into the new phase of my conclusion. I didn’t have a backup plan. I didn’t have any direction of where I was going. I was not really planning on my next move. I just wanted out. I just wanted to be liberated from the bondage of confusion, self-pity and self-worthlessness. So along with a bucket of courage and a basket of faith, I finally did it. As much as everybody was surprised, I was also surprised by what I just did. I was excited and scared at the same time. But I was mostly terrified. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I did the wrong thing? There were a lot of “What if’s?”. But then again, there’s no turning back. I did it. And I am not the type of person who doesn’t stand up to what he has decided. This is it. Whatever happens, I have to suck up to it. As the weeks went by, I was beginning to feel the boredom of not waking up early in the morning and going to work. It finally dawned on me that I was already figuratively doing nothing. I realized that I was not ready to give up working although I was already ready to give up my last job. I tried those online jobs but it was not the direction that I envisioned myself treading into. I suddenly gave myself the burden of worrying. I started to wear the cloak of self-pity again. I felt that the world was against me. I started to question myself, “Did I make the right decision?” Then I pulled myself together. I made this decision. I know I can make it through whatever happens. I began to look around and realized what I missed all along. As I am staying in my brother’s house, I get the chance to bond with my nieces and nephews. I was so busy with myself that I forgot that they are already growing up and one day, I can’t spend time with them anymore because they will be busy with their own lives. I love having them around. It gives me happiness which I have missed for quite some time. I began to create my blog page and started to write. Writing has been a passion of mine since I was young and I finally got myself to scribble down what I feel and what’s in my heart and thoughts. And after twenty years, I celebrated my birthday again in my hometown with the people that matter to me most, my family. I begin to see the propitious side of my choice. We are always responsible for our destiny. Whatever choices we make, there will always be repercussions. That’s why we need to contemplate before we decide. But even if we think that we have made the right choice, we will never be sure if we really have done the right thing. In life, there will always be uncertainties. But if we won’t be brave enough to do what we think is best for us, we will never know. We need to consider that we are not born in this world to feel desolated all the time. Most of the time, we hold on to something because we think it’s the only way we can survive. That it’s the only road to salvation. That it’s the only thing we are capable of. We tend to disregard that when we hold on to something, it is hurting us more. We are already so used to the pain that we don’t notice that we are already bleeding profusely. So, I made a decision. I let go. I let go of the burden that I had been carrying for years. I let go of the one thing that made me feel worthless. I let go of life’s toxicity. Now, I am trying to pick up where I left off. I still don’t have a direction. I still don’t know what I really want to do. Actually, I also want to sing. I am thinking of joining singing competitions but I’m already too old for that and I am not a belter like those who shout while they sing. I’m afraid I may sound like a croaking frog once I get into high notes…hahaha! But I will continue to write. I just love writing. I know it took me a while to do it but I’m doing it now and that’s what matters most. From now on, I choose to be happy. Did I ever regret making that decision? I did not. And even if I did, it taught me one great lesson. Behind my fear lies an unexpected bravery. I thank God for giving me that courage. I am capable of letting go even without any promise of what lies ahead.